How to be a Nigerian Christian

E dey really difficult to be christian for Naija. As I don learn so far. The Naija christian na sub-specie of humans wey believe say whatever another human being wey stand for altar talk na truth and final and totally correct. I no dey against pastors o.

Before person go talk say e be christian, e mean say e ready to dey bound by some laws because we believe say these laws na e go guide us through this journey of life.

But the Naija christian no like these laws until them get no option left. The naija christian like to twist these laws to how e take sweet them.

So if you wan become naija christian wey dey very good at judging others, na wetin you go do be this –

1.) Start to go church seriously when you turn 30 and husband no gree come as a woman.

2.) Your husband na your head until you start to get money pass him. Then you fit wrap am around your fingers and give testimony for church saying ” Now my husband wey no dey listen to me before, don dey listen to me”.

3.) Make sure say you don try every other means of getting ego, I mean money. Try every way to make sure your pepper red. If e no gree red after all your covenants with mammy water spirits, then go to TB Joshua for deliverance and annointing water. You just have to endure the on-camera humiliation.

4.) T B Joshua na your last bus stop.

5.) Make sure you dey go church wey your pastor dey see vision. If not, e no be real pastor.

6.) If your pastor dey see vision and e tell you say you go die- you have 2 options: a) No believe wetin your pastor dey talk because for your mind of minds you know say you no go die. b) When you wake up in hell fire you no go get mind to think anything.

7.) If you do any bad thing to anybody especially your pastor, you go go hell fire.

8.) Make sure say you resemble granny when you dey go church. Church timing na 5 hours every week. I know say you go fit endure that 5 hours. After all, you go wear all the sexy gowns and short skirts you want for the remaining hours of the week. God dey look your heart abi?

9.) Make sure say you dey go one of the most popular churches in town. So that when people ask you “which church you dey go?” You go answer with all pride and efizzy then call your pastor name and which of the services you like to attend – 2nd or 4th service.

10.) Judge me for everything wey I don write then say something like “na people like her wey dey support gays”. Although, you dey comfortable with lesbians.


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